Don’t Forgive Me

 

Have you ever watched a series and wondered why a certain character continues to be in the episodes, that character that serves no purpose and is just a waste of space and attention? Well, that character is me.

I’m not writing this to gain any sympathy, compassion, understanding, or the like- because I truly don’t deserve any of that. I’m writing to tell you the truth, that I am, in every sense of the word, worthless. Yes, my bipolar is behind this all, but I’ve realized that bipolar is just trying to weed out a bad one (me) from the good. I’m not writing this from a state of self pity- that would imply that I’m worth something, that I deserve to be happy, which I truly don’t. This is my permanent, accurate state of self loathing and just trying to do the right thing by sparing you from my presence. I’ve realized that no matter how much I accomplish in life, no matter how many people I help, it won’t change the fact I’m a monster and a burden to everyone I come in contact with.

Do not worry about me taking my life, I’m not worth your time or your prayers. I wouldn’t do such a thing because it would be selfish and just be a greater disappointment and burden to my family. So I’m telling you this because I don’t know if I’ll ever be back here, and I’m not worth you worrying or wondering where I went. I’m just being upfront and telling you honestly that I’m not even worthy of a thought in your head. This doesn’t change how much I’ve truly appreciated the generous support and kindness I’ve received from everyone here. But, I was never truly deserving of it, and so I’m leaving to save your time and energy. I considered keeping this ugly truth to myself, but it would be greedy to allow you to think I’m something I’m not.

I have no place being in your life. If I ever do return, it will be once I’m β€œwell,” but what’s really the point of stringing you along with me further? I send you my love, for what it’s worth, and my sincere wishes and hopes for your happiness, peace, and success.

 

*If for some reason you’re unwilling to believe this, please just trust me and don’t offer any sympathy, empathy, compassion, or anything else I don’t deserve. Don’t waste your time leaving a comment, and don’t waste your time un-following me because I doubt I’ll comeback. Please don’t waste your time trying to comfort me or convince me otherwise. I know the truth, and I won’t be looking at any comments that are left because I don’t deserve to be comforted or made to feel that I’m anything more than the utter waste of space I am.Β  Heeding my warning doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s doing yourself a favor. Thank you, and I truly and sorry.

 

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27 thoughts on “Don’t Forgive Me

    • Dawn, I’m truly grateful for your kind and comforting words. I’m still in the process of crawling out of my cycle of self-loathing, but at least I’ve reached the point of being able to show my sincere appreciation for your support. You have absolutely no idea how much your words have helped me. Thank you, Dawn.

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        • I really appreciate your sincere understanding and empathy with this all. I guess I had been reasonably stable for so long that I let my guard down and was kind of blindsided by it all….but things are getting better. Thanks, again. πŸ™‚

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    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, Jim. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who has experienced these extremely defeating feelings. I appreciate our connection as well and look forward to pulling myself together a little more so I can enjoy more of your writing.

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  1. There’s something powerful happening in the planets at present, Adelie; I woke EXHAUSTED, and feeling I did not want to go on. Even lying down has taken effort! Thank you for being open about a state of mind with which I am all too familiar. Hugs, Ali xxx

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    • Ali, you always know what I need to hear, and I thank you for taking the time to share your comforting thoughts. I’m still in the process of putting myself back together, but it has helped tremendously knowing that you’re thinking of me. I send my love!

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  2. Thank you for letting us know how things are going for you. For my part I have come to look forward to and value your creative and enjoyable stories, and the insightful and generous comments you’ve made on my blog. I wish you happiness, peace and success and hope to see you back here soon.

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    • Karen, thank you so much for giving me the gift of such encouraging and kind words when I needed them most. I’m still in the process of getting myself back together, and your support is making the process a bit easier. I sincerely appreciate your generous heart. I wish you nothing but the best of life!

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  3. You are such a magnificent writer. You reel me in every single time. I hope this is your writing creativity speaking through this post and not really how you’re feeling about yourself. Make sure you are eating enough fruits and veggies honey ❀ They are tantamount for good mental health. I wish I was closer to you, we'd go for tea and a bowl of luscious fruit. Live in the very moment of now and worry not of yesterday or tomorrow. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, anything! I ❀ you!

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    • Kathie, your words brought light to my life and a smile to my face, even when I believed being pulled from this darkness was impossible. Surprisingly, my diet was the only healthy thing going on for me at that particular point in time. Now things are evening out and I’m able to pick of the pieces again, which is largely a result of your unconditional acceptance, guidance, and support. I can’t express how grateful I am for your friendship. Tea and a bowl of fruit sounds like an awesome idea- let’s do that sometime! I send my deepest love and gratitude, and a warm hug! ❀

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      • Wow! I cannot believe it’s been a year since we had this correspondence Adelie. I’ve thought of you so often and even tried to find you on FB. I hope you are well.

        I fell right off the blogging wagon, lol but I have finished a children’s book and have the copyright for my adult book that I’ve been working on. Plus I teach dance 4 days a week during the school year, have my red-headed granddaughter with me a couple of those days a week. Phew! And then for the 9 weeks we’re open in the summer, I serve at an upscale lobster pound where the Rockefellers & like summer.

        I’ve thought of you hundreds of times, hoping and wishing you well.
        I can’t understand when I came back to visit my site here a few times in that year I never saw this message!!

        “Now things are evening out and I’m able to pick of the pieces again, which is largely a result of your unconditional acceptance, guidance, and support.”

        It brightens my heart so much to think I could have helped in any way….but then to have never responded. I’m so sorry! I feel terrible.

        I hope life is great ❀ And I look forward to continuing a more frequent exchange with you ❀ Big hugs!

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  4. You are totally worthy! I love your writing and I love your blog! Your energy always connects with me. I don’t know if you’ll read this or ever come back here but I’m hoping you do. I pray this feeling passes soon. Know also that you have touched one. May you find peace and comfort, I’m thinking of you warmly! Be well and be back soon!! ❀

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    • Thank you so much for the profound kindness and support, my dear friend. While I’m still in the process of figuring out exactly what to do with myself next, I couldn’t stay away from here. I truly admire your work and deeply value our friendship. I hope all is well with you, and I will start catching up on the magnificent writing of yours I’ve been missing. Thank you, again! ❀

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      • You’re most welcome. I believe in you, your work and your talent…just keep doing you and take whatever time you need to do it. πŸ™‚ I’ve been struck by some serious…not writer’s block per se…but I’ve returned to my head clutter and need to get things posted and out of my head! If you know anyone who’s working on a “From brain to computer” Flash Drive, hook a sistah up! πŸ˜€ ❀

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        • ❀ I will most definitely keep my eyes open for that miraculous device, as I could seriously use it as well. If I don't find one in a couple of weeks, you and I will get together and design a prototype. πŸ˜› And thanks again for the tremendously kind compliments, Natti! πŸ˜€

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  5. One day you’re going to look at the mirror and hate yourself a little less.
    One day you’re going to look at the mirror and still see that girl you dislike
    but the day will come when you look at the mirror and think…
    I’m going to be okay.

    Perhaps today is not the day.
    Perhaps tomorrow isn’t either.

    But know that the day will come, when you embrace yourself. when you don’t need to hear “you’re going to be okay” from other people, because you finally believe that. Even for a fleeting second.

    I’m not going to comfort you, nor share my sob stories. I can tell you, I’ve been where you are. i am still there. I’ll never forget the girl that I was, you won’t too. Know that she will never be completely gone; shadows still lurks in places you never thought to look. That girl, she’s always going to be there. I’ll always remember her. For what it is worth, she made me a better person.

    Find something to appreciate everyday. Look hard for the silver lining in every grey clouds; the sunshine, a flower at the sidewalk, a friendly smile, a pretty colour.

    Because happiness is a journey, not a destination.

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    • I am at a loss for words, Jill. I truly am. The fact that you took the time to share something so beautiful, comforting, and inspiring with me means more than you’ll ever know. This is a wonderful message that I’ve been needing to hear- that everyone really needs to hear. I am profoundly grateful for your compassion and support. I hope all is well with you, friend!

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