I remember that day, when they took you away, but you promised to always return,
You said, “Light this candle, bear what you can handle, I’ll be back before its last burn.”
Layers of soot cover every square foot of the walls that witnessed our passion,
The flame fell weaker, hopes dimmed bleaker, and memories of you turned ashen.
Unwilling to settle, I replaced its pedestal, and gave all suitors my refusal,
Wax bled to the floor, survived both World Wars, but we smolder to dust at your funeral.
I‘m so grateful that you took the time to read my piece for this week’s Friday Fictioneers, hosted by the radiant Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. With ninety-one words, I felt the best way to tell this story was through poetry. I truly hope you enjoyed my piece, as I warily crept beyond my comfort zone to write it. If you find the time, give the other fictioneers a good read. You’d be amazed at the variety of stories that branch from each prompt!
The sadness of wars. the beast that eat husbands, lovers and those that never became fathers.. and the wake of sadness they leave… very poetic voice in your sad tale.
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Thank you so much, Bjorn, for reading and leaving such a thoughtful and reflective comment. You expressed the devastation war leaves so eloquently. In fact, I believe your comment put my entire poem to shame. Thanks, again!
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So many candles have melted with all the hopes if so many waiting huh?
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Very, very true. Thank you so much for reading and sharing you thoughts!
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Thank YOU for sharing your thoughts here 🙂
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😀
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I don’t follow many blogs that aren’t humor based, but have yet to regret when your posts break up that trend. If only I could…
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Wow, I can’t tell you how tremendously grateful I am for you writing such kind words. Likewise, I only follow a couple from the humor genre, but I deeply treasure your work, as it brings light to the often heavy world of fiction. I read your posts and admire your energy and humorous perspective on life. I’m not intriguing and witty enough to write such material!
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She is quite good at it, isn’t she? 🙂
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You’re absolutely too kind! You really are! 😀
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That was nicely done.
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Thank you so much for reading and for leaving the encouraging words!
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That was beautiful, I loved the flow, there was such a melody to the pace of it, brill. Hope you don’t mind but just noticed should that ‘bear’ be ‘bare’ 🙂
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Hi, Helen! I appreciate you reading and the thoughtful comment! I don’t mind the “bear” suggestion. Every time I revised it before publishing, I kept thinking it should be “bare,” but I finally consulted a dictionary, and in the verb usage of “to accept or endure” “bear” is the correct term. It seems odd to me, but I decided to trust Merriam Webster with this one! Nonetheless, I truly appreciate the time you took to read and help me out! 😀
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That is correct. You bear a load or burden and bare your soul or body. 🙂
Your poem is hauntingly beautiful. I haven’t seen that rhyming pattern before, it is very interesting and clever.
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I’m truly grateful that you read this and left such wonderful input. It’s funny that you used the terms “hauntingly beautiful,” as that’s an intention I have with nearly everything I write. So, as you can imagine, it’s awesome to read those magic words from someone! As far as the rhyming, I attempted to structure it and get a solid pattern, but eventually it lost its essence. So, I just went with what felt right. I suppose that makes me a rebel? 😛
Thanks again!
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Or maybe not, I’m easily confused 😉
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lol no worries, I just triple checked it. Silly English language! 😀
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bare or bear, it was still a fab piece 😉
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Thank you so very much, Helen! 😀
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Have you considered writing song lyrics? Because this is very good and would (with a little tweaking, probably) make a terrific ballad. Bravo!
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Wow, your comment made my heart jump! It’s funny you mention that because I’ve been “writing” song lyrics since my elementary years. Though, I’ve never thought to do anything with them because, at least in my mind, I didn’t think they had any more potential than just lying around in a journal. I can’t tell you how deeply your kindness has touched me. Seriously, thanks so much! 🙂
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You have a foothold on it through the 100-word story.
Try it! See what you can do! That’s the challenge right there. You can do it!!!!
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Thank you, thank you, thank you for the wonderful encouragement!!!!
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Great job for your first time, Adelie. It had good rhythm as well as emotion.
Just a few things:
1) “soot, cover every square foot, of the walls”–get rid of the commas; they’re not needed and you don’t want pauses there.
2) “hopes dimmed bleaker”–“dimmed” doesn’t seem the right word here. You just used “grew” so I’m not sure what would work. How about “hope became bleaker”, just leaving out “my.”
3) “survived through both World Wars’–take out “through” and I”ll think you’ll see it flows better and means the same thing.
Just my thoughts but again, congratulations on a taking a chance. It worked.
janet
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Thanks for reading and for the helpful tips, Janet. It’s nice gaining a new perspective on my work. I took out those commas- I originally had them there as automatic regulators of the rhythm, I suppose. Looking at them now, I can definitely see they’re unnecessary. However, before you mentioned this, they were totally invisible to me! As far as the hopes dimming bleaker, I knew dimming was an odd verb to nestle in there, but I felt it fit more with the theme of the candle. So I kept that, but I changed “grew” to “fell” and took out “my.” I also took out “through.” After you mentioned that, I was surprised at how much better it flowed. This whole thing was a shaky experience for me, and I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such helpful input. Thanks, again!
Adelie
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Lovely piece. Time flows seamlessly through your words until you say survived both World Wars then the reader realizes HOW much time has passed and how long this poor creature has waited. Love this. Thank you for posting it.
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Thank you so much for the tremendously kind words. I thought adding the World Wars bit at the end gave it a bigger impact, so I’m glad you enjoyed it. I think I may have had war on the mind after reading Rochelle’s first! Thank you so much for brightening my day!
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A moving piece of poetry. Well done.
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Thank you so very much for reading and for the kind comment!
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Beautiful poetry – it really flowed – and full of emotion. Great take on the prompt!
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Thank you so very much for the kind words. They mean the world to me, being that I’m quite new to the world of poetry! Thank you so much for reading!
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I agree 100% with an above comment that this made me hear a tune as a read it. You should dive into your old journals and share some of those lyrics your wrote down… 🙂 Also…on the same note (pun intended) – the rhythm was perfect. Good job!!
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Thank you so much for reading and for the encouragement, Jen! Thing is, those old “songs” (if you want to call them that) were basically lame love songs. When I look back on them, they’re just too cheesy to bear. However, should the inspiration strike me to write a ballad, I might consider sharing it. 🙂 Thanks for the pun. I always love a good pun!
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Such a rhythmic poem with deep emotions. As some of the others have suggested you should consider song writing. I am sure you’ll do well there! Cheers 🙂
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Thank you so much for reading and for the thoughtful feedback, Shmruthi! Your kindness truly warms my heart! 😀
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Dear Adelie,
Achingly beautiful. All it needs is music. I agree completely with my cousin Kent.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Rochelle,
Thank you so very much for taking the time to leave such heartening words! Your uplifting comments are deeply treasured gifts!
With gratitude,
Adelie
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very very creative! and romantic too…
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I’m sincerely grateful that you gave this a read and left such a wonderful comment, Rida! When I see candles, I tend to think of romance, even though this was bittersweet!
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A beautiful and melodious piece of writing. Absolutely stunning!
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! Such beautiful and kind words brought the greatest smile to my face! 😀
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Yes, this would definitely work well as folk song – well done!
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Thank you so much for reading and for the lovely support. It’s funny you bring up folk songs, as I’ve been listening to more in that genre lately!
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Hi Adelie
Well done for going out of your comfort zone with this. I loved it. I especially liked the line ‘Wax bled to the floor.’ It’s tricky writing rhyming poetry within a 100 word limit, but you pulled it off.
(Oh and I agree with Rochelle and Kent about the song!)
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Thank you so very much for the extremely kind words! I’ve been reading some amazing poetry lately, and although I don’t think I could ever be so talented, it’s quite fun to try! Who knows, maybe I will write a song for FF… and perform it for you all. I’m sure everyone could use a good laugh! 😀 Thanks again!
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So poignant. In a world ruled by women, there would have been no wars. It is we who lose the most.
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I’m truly grateful for you reading this and for leaving such a thought-provoking comment. When soldiers lose their lives in the field, their loved ones lose their lives (at least part of them) as well. War…good for absolutely nothing.
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Lovely poem, really liked it.
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Thank you so much for reading and for leaving such wonderful words!
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Fantastic! Loved this. I was hanging on your every word.
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Thank you so, so much for leaving such wonderful feedback. It’s funny because as I was writing this, I honestly had no idea where it was going either! Thanks again!
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ha – sometimes those streams of consciousness turn out alright. 😉
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Thank goodness for that! 🙂
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Absolutely beautiful!
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Thank you so much for reading and for sharing such wonderful words! That truly made my day!
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Lovely poem!
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Thank you so much for reading and for leaving such an encouraging comment! 🙂
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🙂
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Very strong piece. Lovely and well written. Evoked many emotions. You’re very talented Adelie! 🙂
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You just write the most heart warming comments, Natti! Thank you so much! 🙂
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Your work evokes such comments. 🙂 You’re most welcome.
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